The ladies of Cow Creek decided they should learn First aid
Since Mrs. Johnson's Husband cut his foot off with a spade
She saw the poor old bugger fall and thought it was his heart
Then killed him jumping on his chest, trying to make it start

So they formed themselves a First Aid Club and hired out a Hall

Which needed a little fixing up, so it was I who got the call
Being the local Handyman, and I have a hammer as proof!
I turned up during their meeting to fix the shingles on the roof

I set the ladder up, dropped my hammer in it's sheath
And with a tube of super-glue clenched between my teeth
I grabbed my trusty nail gun and climbed to the highest rung
And it was 'round about this time that the trouble all begun

'Cause a bloody magpie swooped me, and when I went to duck
I bit down on that super-glue, and my lips and teeth got stuck
I grabbed the nail gun and tried to shoot the magpie dead
But the bloody thing backfired and shot two nails into my head

I grabbed the hammer and pulled them out, I was gradually growing madder
When I slipped and lost my footing on that rotten, bloody ladder
But I landed on the grass, which was soft from rainy weather
My head was hurting something fierce, and my mouth was stuck together

But other than that I was pretty good, I'd only hurt my pride
When the Cow Creek Lady's First Aid Club came tearing on outside
I tried to move my lips and tell them that I was alright
But they saw the puncture marks in my head and someone screamed 'SNAKE BITE! ! '

I felt a pang of panic, a sense of fear and dread,
As they applied the pressure bandages tightly round my head
Then one old girl suggested that to keep the poison in check
That they apply a bloody tornique around my flamin' neck!

I tried to fight them off, but they had splinted all my limbs
I couldn't see, I couldn't scream, so I started humming hymns
Then I thought my prayers were answered when I heard one of them call
'Let's chuck him in the car and cart him off to hospital! '

But t'was then I learnt the terror of being dumb and blind
As whoever was driving managed to hit every pot hole she could find
I stiffened with the jerks and bumps as I was tossed about
'Lawd! He's having a fit! ' one lady screamed, 'we better take his kidney out! '

I thrashed like a dying lizard as I heard them draw the blade
Tried to knock myself unconscious, as the incision was swiftly made
'Ohh! ' she squealed, 'Look at his lungs, and his liver has started to rot!
Oh, well, while we've got him open then we'd best remove the lot! '

By this stage I was passing out and glad to, I must say
When someone called, 'Slap him 'round the head, don't let him pass away! 'It was then I swore on the grave of the bloke who built our local pub
That if I lived it would be to seek revenge on this bloody First Aid Club!

But for now I just preferred to die, dance the old St. Vitas Dance
When someone started cutting up the left leg of my pants
That morning I'd used green paint on the fence and hadn't had time to clean
'Lawd! look at his leg! ' an old girl screamed, 'I think he's got gangrene! '

I screamed the silent scream of the dead as they started the amputation
While other old girls fished round in my guts performing their operations
Vasectomies, appendasectomies, and I couldn't even shout
Then the Vet's wife started desexing me, and that's when I passed out

Well, I came to in the hospital, or at least what was left of me did
When I saw the damage these old girls had done, I near on flipped my lid!
But the bloke in the bed beside me, he was looking even sadder
He said, 'What happened to you mate, I replied 'I fell off a ladder! '

We were both missing vital organs, and the odd, occasional limb
But at least they'd przed my lips apart, so I asked what happened to him
He said he was happily walking home from a quiet night at the Pub
When a truck load of women ran him down and then stopped to fix him up

So, I finally left the Hospital, minus half my guts
A new prosthetic leg and a pair of synthetic nuts
And a promise that if I got sick, I'd drink myself to death in the pub
Before putting myself in the hands of the Cow Creek Lady's First Aid Club!

Bridgid Patrick


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